I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I need moral support for this bender
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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