So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
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