then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
