i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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