Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
