Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize