you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
He felt like a one man threesome
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
