I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
