He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
