Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
