just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
