Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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