The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
