No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
