I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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