We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Is Oprah even human
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
