Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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