I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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