She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
