I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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