I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
