News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
