I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
