they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize