...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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