I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize