dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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