I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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