Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I think I am morally bankrupt
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I think my nap took me to another dimension
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
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