dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
