You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
