Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
