Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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