i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
