Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
