Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
