Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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