So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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