regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
