the condom got lost in my hair
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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