Your favorite bartender is back from prision
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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