We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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