Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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