She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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