i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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