Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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