when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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