I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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