Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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