I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
