I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
