I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
this is an emotional support booty call
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
