The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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