yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
